Us.

 

I have been waiting to post these family pictures that we had taken months ago, wanting to decide first what ones will be put on the annual Christmas card, but there are simply too many good ones to choose from.  That decision still has to be made.  

This year a bigger decision has been made, however.  I am pleased to finally be able to say that you are looking at our family, and until our children get married, this is us.  I know, some of you may be thinking that you were sure that I had made this announcement already, and this is no news.  Well, it is for me. 

I really thought I was done when I had Jack, now over two years ago.  I was careful to enjoy every moment I could of his pregnancy and newborn stage, knowing that it would be my last, and I was happy with that. Then, a year or so later, one of my best friends had her baby girl and wrote a beautiful post on her blog where she told of her experience, and how she knew without a doubt that she was done having children and the peace that she felt.  As I went to comment on her blog, I intended to say something along the lines of "Isn't it great knowing you're done?  I love it too!".. but the words wouldn't come.  I was left staring at my computer screen realizing that I did not have that same assurance.  I had doubts that we were complete.  I stewed about it for days, knowing that Chad would die if he knew I was thinking of adding another.  

Finally I got up the courage and told him my doubts.  As only Chad could, he smiled and gave his deep hearty laugh, shaking his head in disbelief.  And, as only Chad could do, he listened and did not shoot it down.  He encouraged me to pray and think on it some more and promised to do the same.  Finally, I came to conclusion to try and see if there was another one waiting.  Chad supported my decision and trusted my judgment.  Consequently, I have spent the better part of this year hoping for another and then making myself sick with worry that I indeed could be pregnant.  I do not use the term "sick with worry" lightly.  The curse of my over-anxious mind is the constant what-ifs.  And many, many nights when I believed that I should have started my period, I was shaking in my bed to the point of nausea and vomiting from fear alone that I could be pregnant, praying over and over in my head to not be pregnant.

Of course, I was not indeed pregnant, and curiously during the daytime I would find the courage to say I will keep trying to get pregnant.  I repeated this up and down cycle for probably longer than a normal person would.  I couldn't see what I was doing to myself, and still couldn't shake the guilt that would come if I thought I would stop trying.  With every prayer I felt confused, and felt no answer.  As much as I would have loved to have another, I also wanted more than anything to be done.  I simply couldn't imagine doing the baby thing all over again.

Finally, a few months ago I decided to fast yet again for some help.  I desperately wanted to know what I should do.  All day, I listened for answers, but nothing came.  I do not think it was a coincidence that I felt prompted to pay a visit to my little sister Erin, and her sweet family that night.  As Erin and I chatted in her living room, me holding her sweet baby boy, I opened up to her, and told her my situation.  Not only was she a wonderful listener, but she said exactly what I needed to hear.  Basically, she reminded me that my Heavenly Father wanted me to be happy, and obviously I was not at the moment.  She pointed out that given my mental state of health, I probably should not be pregnant, and should be proud of the ones that I have been given.  But more importantly to me, she suggested that maybe I was not getting an answer because the Lord was leaving the decision up to me.  That is what brought me to tears and gave me peace on my ride home that night.  I felt the truth in those words.  

I realized that I really did not want to have any more, but was still seeking the confirmation that I needed to move on.  As I made the decision to get back on birth control, and moved forward with that, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and immense peace.  

The result is that today I have a little less anxiety, (knowing that pregnancy will not be happening); gratitude for my four beautiful babies whom I love to pieces and that I have been given; gratitude for my friend who shared her story and started my much-needed discovery (thanks Beck); a much deeper love and appreciation for my sweet husband, who is so supportive and puts up with me and my madness all too often; gratitude for the inspired words of my wise and caring sister, and of course, my kind father in heaven.  

I am so grateful that he patiently waited for me to come to this conclusion on my own.  I am confident that he knew me well enough and how big of a decision is it to me, to know that the long, roundabout way was the only way to give me piece of mind. Now I can look forward with excitement to the future, focusing everything that I have to those that are in front of me, and be the best wife and mother that I can be. 

 

 

Eddie's Blessing Day

There were so many things about my nephew Henry's too early death that I feel like we got jipped on.  Seeing him be blessed by his daddy and cradled by his mama was one of them.   I had faith, and prayed that there would be another for Erin and Rob, one we got to ooh and ahh over, gather as a big family and enjoy a wonderful day together. 

And, that day did come.

Little Edward Henry was as dashing as he could be all in white.

The Thomsons and the Koellikers did indeed gather and ooh and ahh over his perfect features.

 

In short, it was a terribly wonderful day.

Casted..

Keaton has adjusted pretty well to his cast the last two weeks.  I can't believe on Thursday he will be getting it off.  That went by really fast! Well, maybe not for him.... no piano, no monkey bars, and he has taken to eating with his left hand unless it is finger food.  We are just really glad that it is waterproof.  That has made things a whole lot easier for him compared to when I had a my casts as a kid.

Oh, I and did I mention it's blue? ;)

Lately...

Just last week I got the dreaded call from the school saying that Keaton fell off the monkey bars and might have broken something.  I rushed over to get him, and after a visit into the pediatrician and then to the hospital for x-rays, it was clear that he did indeed fracture his wrist (the radius to be exact), and after a week in the splint, we will be going in to get him a cast.  

He has been a trooper though, and is thankfully not in any pain as long as his arm is in the splint.  I am hoping that when he gets his cast tomorrow that he will be able to write and play the piano, since it is his right arm.  For now, we are his scribes and try to help him as best we can.  I will post pics when he gets his new cast.  

On Sunday, though, I got a real treat.  It was the temple dedication for the Brigham City Temple, and since Keaton is over 8 years old, he was able to get a temple recommend and come with me.  Chad went to the first session, and then me and Keaton went to the second.  

Sitting in the chapel waiting for the program to start, they played beautiful hymns and showed pictures inside beautiful temples.  All at once I realized the peace that was present in that chapel, just like when I go to the temple.  It was so strong that I wanted to cry.  I was hoping that Keaton could feel it too, and so I asked him if he did.  He said he could feel it, and we had a little discussion that he was feeling the Holy Ghost, and why you feel it in the temple.  It was a special moment for me, and one I hope Keaton will remember too.  

Remember how Sam was taking tumbling?  Well, he quit that after the first month.  He was the oldest, and a boy in a class full of little girls and decided it was too much for him (who would blame the kid?).  When I heard that someone where Emmi took gymnastics was teaching a 7 year old boys class, I put Sam on the waiting list.  He got called up to join a couple weeks ago and has been in heaven.  The facility is awesome, even has the rope swing (see Sam), a great teacher, and at least 6 other boys.  My Sam was made for gymnastics and he loves it.

My carpool was not going to continue gymnastics in the fall, and so I decided to put Emmi back in dance a little closer to home, and with a friend to carpool.   Emmi and Lola take a 1 hour ballet/tap class.  Aren't they cute?  They are also in the same Kindergarten class.

I have been able to stay and watch the girls dance a couple of times through the window.  (I just wish it was a one-way mirror. Too often I see a little curly head waving at me).  Emmi is adjusting pretty well.  I am excited to see how she does in her recitals, as always.

Other than that, we have been busy with a few football games, GO COUGS!!  With still more to come.

At home, I have busy in the kitchen making some yummy raspberry jam.  I was lucky to get a handsome man help me can peaches and pears as well (thank you Chaddy), and I think we are pretty well stocked for the winter.

And many, many trips up to bus stop to see the kids on and off.  It is not too bad when you have such a sweet ride.:)

Piano Recital

I am a little bit behind on blogging lately.  Keaton had his first piano recital, and I was very proud of him.  He didn't seem nervous at all and played his songs perfectly.  Maybe because I would have been nervous, I was expecting him to show some signs, but he didn't.  I should have known better.  He is so good at playing and seems to still enjoy it for now.  I am hoping we will be having many more piano recitals for him and the rest of the kids.

Keaton and his beautiful teacher, Jessica Ekstrom.  We also were so fortunate to have lots of family come and support him.  Sorry, I did not get pics of everyone, but they were there.:)

Here is the video that I was able to get of him playing:

School!

I love back-to-school time! It is all so exciting!  I love being back on a regular schedule, and the kids are loving their new teachers.  Here they are the night before school started, after having their Father's Blessings.  Jack wanted one as well, and Chad was not going to deny him, so he got one too.:)

The boys started one week before Emmi since she is in Kindergarten.  I drove them myself that morning because they both had jumpy tummies.  They were fine once they saw all their friends arrive.

The next week Emmi had her first day of Kindergarten and joined them on the bus.  Crazy, 3 of my 4.

The boys were very protective of her... how sweet!

Isn't she cute? When she arrived home, her only complaint was that the bus ride was really long.