Dear Sam,

We are already halfway through the school year, and I can see great changes in you.  Although school is not your favorite thing, you continue to get pretty good grades.  Santa brought you a Samsung tablet for Christmas and me and your Dad told you guys that it would be taken away if your grades didn't stay up.  This last week we had a bimonthly report card (which is not a final report card).  However, it showed all A's and B's except for 1 F in Spelling, so we had to confiscate it.  (We also had to take away Keaton's, so it wasn't just you).  We want you boys to get used to having A's and B's and working hard to keep those grades up and we think that this will be a good motivator. 

You seem to like me being at the school full-time, and your anxiety as far as school has dropped dramatically because of it.  I occasionally get a glimpse of you in the halls or at recess, and I am happy that you are not too cool yet not to wave or come say hi to your old mom.  All of your teachers say good things about you, especially your reading group teacher, Mrs. Simpson.  She says she only has you and one other boy in your reading group.  That other kid seems to be gone a lot leaving just you and Mrs. Simpson and she says that she honestly would much rather be with you one-on-one than the other kid.  She says you tell her great stories about home and I think she probably knows more about me than I probably would want her to.  Anyway, she always has something nice to say about you and says you are a great kid.

You were put in a higher math at the start of the year, but you started to get overwhelmed with all the homework and we could tell that you needed some help with your multiplication so the school moved you to another class that specializes in multiplication.  It has made such a difference!  It is a little too easy for you so you never seem to have homework and you already seem to have picked up some of the facts that were causing you trouble.  I am so glad we made the switch!  I am really grateful for APA and how they are able to help kids wherever it is that they need help so they can become confident.  It is such a blessing.

You are still the most popular one in the house and everyone that comes to door comes for you.  We seem to always get a group of 5 or 6 boys downstairs playing video games and for some reason all I hear is you.  When you get loud, you get loud.  You also like to be the boss and tell the others what to do.  I can hear that for myself.  Luckily most of the boys don't seem to mind and follow your lead.  It makes me laugh though.

It was so neat to be able to go to the Odgen Temple Dedication with you, Keek and Papa.  It was your first one and I was so proud to have both my boys with us.  I was your primary teacher for the past 6 months or so, and I really enjoyed that time with you.  I wish I had the whole year.  It was over before I knew it!  Now I am Jack's primary teacher and he is so happy to have me with him all through church.  I am so lucky to be able to see so much of my cute kids.

You are still taking art lessons from Mr. Winget and you now have quite an impressive portfolio.  You are now the only one taking lessons of some kind.  I am glad we found something that you enjoy. 

Me and you were a little nervous about going to Disneyland, but I was so proud of the way you managed your anxiety during the trip.  If a certain ride made you anxious, you were able to stand your ground and say you weren't going on it, and consequently, I think you never did have an anxious moment on the trip.  I could tell you are starting to get old because all you wanted to ride was the roller coaster-type and you begged me to go on Space Mountain, one of your favorites.  I used to love Space Mountain but I was avoiding that one this time because it made me nervous.  However, I couldn't say no to you and me and you ended up sitting in the very front, with Papa just behind us.  I did have a few panicky moments in the ride and will not go on it again, but I am glad that I did try it for you.

I love how you are not too old to cuddle, and will snuggle right up to me if I will let you.  I love how you like to stay up reading books with a flashlight and have read many in the last few months.  I love your big dimples when you smile, your willingness to try all new food that is placed before you, your sensitive soul and the many chats we have had just you and I.  You are an amazing kid and I am so happy to be your mom.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Sam,

I don't know if it is just the white shirt and tie, but you look so grown up in the above picture! You are turning into such a handsome young man and I am so proud of you.  You have adjusted remarkably well to 4th grade, and really don't complain about much.  I am so glad that your buddies (Daxton and Malone) from the ward have joined us at APA and they ended up in your class.  I know that makes it a lot more fun for you.  I have switched to taking carpool in the morning, and have noticed that it does help cut down your anxiety.  You have had a couple anxious moments after I drop you off, but not too bad.  I am proud of you and facing your fears every single morning.  I wish I could keep you home forever so you wouldn't have to go through it, but obviously that isn't possible.  You are so brave, Sam.

I will never forget how happy you were when you found out that you had moved up a group level in math and now have your own "Saxon" textbook.  You were so proud and so was I.  You worked so hard last year.  Just recently I have received an email from your head teacher who told me "Sam is always smiling.  I love being able to look over at him and he's just grinning away."  I am so glad you are happy there because you really are the life of the party at our house.

With Keaton and Emmi taking soccer, I asked you what kind of lessons you would like to take.  I really pushed flag football hard because I think you would be so good at that but we ended up with art lessons, which I think is also up your alley.  You have always had an interest in drawing, but have never had formal training other than in school.  I found a professional artist who lives in our area that gives lessons to 4 kids at a time, and he has turned out to be such a great fit for you.  He honestly reminds me of your uncle J in his looks, personality and talent which we both like.  You have drawn a dolphin, and leopards already, and I love how happy this class is making you.

Before school started, Grandma and Grandpa Hunsaker took you kids and your dad out boating while I attended a funeral.  I am was not surprised to hear your dad comment that all of you are fish, because I already knew that.  You especially have a love of the water and have the strength to be a good one.  You were the saddest of all that our days swimming were over and we were headed back to school.  

I have to mention that back in July we were very lucky and you and Jack both won new bikes just days apart- Jack at Mapleton's 4th celebration and you at the Santaquin Days children's parade.  It was so fun to take you in and trade the bike in for a bigger bike (it was pretty small) and get the one that you loved.  You have gotten plenty of use out of it and it is great to see you out there riding almost every day after school.  You are such a joy to have in our home, Sam.  I love you so much.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Sam,

 

I just got called a couple of weeks ago to be your primary teacher.  I have never been called as a primary teacher, just substituted here and there, so this is my very first class.  I am so excited that it is your class.  I have loved being with you in class and sharing time the last couple of weeks.  You are pretty reverent for the most part, unless I am sitting by you and then you are constantly trying to ask me questions that are not at all related to what the person up front is teaching us.  You are such a good kid and I tell how hard you are trying to pay attention and learn.  

The day before school was let out, Birdie reached on top of your glasses when you were asleep, and you found them all chewed up without the lens that next morning.  They were actually to small for you anyway, so you and your Dad went into the doc and got a new prescription and ordered some new glasses.  You picked out some good ones.  I love how excited you were to show Grandma B when they arrived, and how I had to almost wake you up to take this pic after you had already gone to bed because she wanted to see them too.  You are such a handsome boy.  You remind me so much of my brother, that it is not even funny.  You are both built the same way and have a lot of the same interests.  I love that.  You know by now how great of person your Uncle J is, and how much I admire him. 

Speaking of being built like Uncle J, you are so solid.  When you were swimming the last couple of weeks at swimming lessons, I couldn't believe how buff you are.  I know that you don't like being heavier and bigger than your big brother, but most of that really is muscle.  You could be quite the athlete if you ever wanted to go that route.  Right now you are not interested, and that is okay.  There will always be time for sports if you want to do them.

I love how you are still obsessed with Minecraft, and playing as much as possible with your buddy named Ethan down the street.  You would get wet every day with the hose if I would let you and are constantly begging to go swimming.  You will eat and love everything I make for dinner, (the only one of your siblings to do so), the only exception being Jalepeno cheese soup, (which I haven't really figured out yet).  I love how every knock on the door in the afternoon is usually for you, and it seems like you are favorite of all the boys here around us.  You get along with everyone, except maybe for Emmi and her friends, who you like to tease.  Your excitement of life is contagious and I hope you will always be that way.  I love you so much.

Love, 

Mom

 

Dear Sam,

Just after my last post on you, we had decided that you were doing awesome, and your sessions with Dr. Williams were not needed for now.  We talked to Dr. Williams and he agreed.  He was so proud of you, saying, "We are going to graduate you?.. Awesome!!"  It has been about a month since we have stopped our visits, and you are still going to school really well.  I have not seen any more big bouts of anxiety, which makes me really happy.  I know Dr. Willliams will always have a special place in both of our hearts and he said that he will be there if ever you need to talk to him again.

You are the only child in the family that got a friend birthday party this year and so your Dad drove you and six of your closest friends to Classic Skating one afternoon.  Your Dad came back exhausted, and your head hurt from falling at the rink being that it was your first time, but I think overall you boys had a great time.

Also this last month you had to say goodbye to Mr. Crippen, your school teacher.  He got hired at BYU and was needed right away.  You formed a special bond with him and I know how much you looked up to him in everything.  I was not surprised at your tears when you relayed to me the news, or your sadness.  I am glad they threw a party in his honor just before he left, and gave us another chance to be with him.  School and life has gone on and you have adjusted well to your new teacher, Mrs. Gregson, although it is just not the same.

I have written before about your tender heart, and how kind you are.  You truly do have a big measure of our Savior's influence inside you, because you can't stand to see anybody being left out or being picked on.  I find it funny that although this is true, you are also the usual culprit to pick on your siblings.:)  You are a tease sometimes like your Dad, I guess. 

You have to read so many books off the school reading list and a few weeks ago I found some on your list at the library and brought them home.  I hadn't read any of them before, so I wasn't too surprised when one of them named "Crow Boy" made you sad.  It was a very old book about a Japanese boy that was more or less shunned and looked down upon by his Japanese classmates.  At the end of the story, the kids are sad to learn about his history and finally befriend him.  You were reading the book to me, but I heard you were getting choked up and I had to take over.  I reassured you that he ended up having friends in the end, but when I tucked you in bed just a few minutes later, the tears were falling freely from your eyes and you readily admitted that the story was the reason. 

I love this about you Sam.  This is the third time in the last year that you have cried over a movie or a book around the same storyline.  I am certain that you are kind in school and I know you are to your friends, because I hear you.  I know that you will be an excellent husband and father because of your big heart.  I am so proud to be your mom, and to get big hugs and lots of love notes quite often.  Even though you like to tease your siblings like I have mentioned earlier, you are always very respectful to me and your father, and I honestly do not know what I did to deserve such a great kid.  All I know is that I am grateful.  You help me want to be a better person.  I love you lots.

Love,
Mom

 

Dear Sam,

I wanted to record an update about how well you are doing these days.  

Since I have taken you in to see Dr. Williams (your psychologist), your improvement with your anxiety has been remarkable.  After only 2 sessions with him, you were able to let me drop you off at school, then you were quickly able to carpool again in the mornings, and almost never threw up.  Still now, we are working on you eating a full breakfast.  You don't eat much, but I can tell you have a good knowledge now of what anxiety is, and how to work through it.  Every now and then you will show anxiety in the morning, and I will have to reassure you, or remind you of what Dr. Williams has told you, but not very often.  Dr. Williams has given us wonderful lessons on deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and even some ways to use humor to get through it.  

We are still going in to see him every week, and will continue that until Dr. Williams says that you are ready, but I can see a big change thus far.  I am so grateful for him, and grateful that I took you in.  I can't imagine what you would be like in the mornings if I hadn't.  Dr. Williams was also surprised at how fast I got you help, and that you had only shown these signs for a week.  He had supposed that it had been going on for longer, like the other children he normally sees.  He told me that it is wonderful that I was able to get you in so early, saying that the longer children go without help for anxiety, the worse it usually gets.  That made me feel good, and I hope that it rings true.

Also, after having a discussion with your group math teacher, I have decided to continue with the ADD meds in hopes that it will help you at school.  She and I both think that I am on the right track with the medication.  We switched you over to a liquid kind, and you have no problems taking it every morning.  I have also got some great feedback already from your math teacher, so I think it is working.  We might have to up the dose or switch kinds before we find the best one, but I think it is definitely worth the effort.

I love you Sam.  I am so glad to see you doing so much better.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Sam,

**Dear Friends and Family -  I have debated about whether or not to post this sensitive post.  Because it is a private blog and I know all my friends and family will be respectful, I have gone ahead.  I would heartily appreciate your prayers for Sam.

My sweet boy, how I love you.  I have always known that you were a sensitive little guy, and had such a tender heart underneath that rough-and-tumble exterior.  I have seen some hints of anxiety in you the last couple of years, but I was desperately hoping that you would not turn out like me.  You also have been struggling staying focused in school since Kindergarten, and I started to think just recently that you might have some ADD.  I have hated to see you struggle, Sam.  I knew that I had to do something to help.  So, I went ahead and took you to the pediatrician, and also set up some testing with your school's counselor just to see if my hunch would be right.  We all were in agreement that it was ADD, and some medication was given to try and help you at school.

But along the way, anxiety has taken over.  When I say anxiety, I don't mean just being nervous.  Everybody has that kind of anxiety every now and then.  I am talking about waking up in the morning in tears, shaking, crying and throwing up your breakfast on the way out the door for over a week.  The one day that you didn't throw up before school, you walked into the school, headed straight to the bathroom, and threw up.  I know this, because I was outside the bathroom door.  The only way I can get you to go to school is if I drive you myself, and go inside with you.  Any good parent would see that this is a problem.  With my history, I sadly knew what you were experiencing, and knew that I needed to find help.

Most anyone would also guess that the problem is school, and that you are afraid of being at school, but I know better.  You are fine after you arrive, love your teachers and class, and have a happy smile whenever I peek my head inside your class during the day.  It is the act of going to school that is causing you fear.  I know that sounds silly to a lot of people, but I get it, and I think other people with anxiety do too.  This morning I took you to a family therapist, Dr. Williams, who was so wonderful, and very close to home.  He was just the guy that I was praying for, and the one that I think will be able to help both of us.  

When I realized that you really do have anxiety like I do, I can't tell you how sad that made me.  I knew that my kids would be prone since I have struggled with anxiety and it is genetic, but I was hoping that it would pass us by.  I would not wish the fear and anxiety that have plagued me for almost as long as I remember on anyone, especially my sweet kids.  I am so sorry Sam, really I am.  

The one bright spot in all of this hit me this morning, as you and I were listening to Dr. Williams.  It is, that I am grateful that you do not have to go through this alone.  Dr. Williams is aware of my own anxiety, and so I am to be at all of your appointments, learning how to help you with your anxiety, and along the way, to help myself.  I can see this bringing us even closer as we both learn how to deal with anxiety together. We will be able to understand each other, and even reassure each other when needed.  Already, seeing you face your fears every morning has given me courage.  I was so proud of you this morning as you were able to keep your toast and medication down.  It was the first time you hadn't thrown up or cried before school in over a week! You have had such great progress in only a few short days.

I also have a wonderful feeling about Dr. Williams, and the great things that you will be able to overcome and do with the help of his care.  He is convinced that the root of your trouble in school is not ADD, but the anxiety, and I am hoping that that will turn out to be the case.  For now, we will take each day as it comes.  I wanted to do this post mainly because I want us to be able to look back on these days, and see how far you have come.  I believe in you, and are so very proud in how well you have handled this.  We will get through this together.  I love you, son, and I know that you have a lot of friends and family who love you and will undoubtedly pray for you as well.

Love,
Mom