Dear Sam,

**Dear Friends and Family -  I have debated about whether or not to post this sensitive post.  Because it is a private blog and I know all my friends and family will be respectful, I have gone ahead.  I would heartily appreciate your prayers for Sam.

My sweet boy, how I love you.  I have always known that you were a sensitive little guy, and had such a tender heart underneath that rough-and-tumble exterior.  I have seen some hints of anxiety in you the last couple of years, but I was desperately hoping that you would not turn out like me.  You also have been struggling staying focused in school since Kindergarten, and I started to think just recently that you might have some ADD.  I have hated to see you struggle, Sam.  I knew that I had to do something to help.  So, I went ahead and took you to the pediatrician, and also set up some testing with your school's counselor just to see if my hunch would be right.  We all were in agreement that it was ADD, and some medication was given to try and help you at school.

But along the way, anxiety has taken over.  When I say anxiety, I don't mean just being nervous.  Everybody has that kind of anxiety every now and then.  I am talking about waking up in the morning in tears, shaking, crying and throwing up your breakfast on the way out the door for over a week.  The one day that you didn't throw up before school, you walked into the school, headed straight to the bathroom, and threw up.  I know this, because I was outside the bathroom door.  The only way I can get you to go to school is if I drive you myself, and go inside with you.  Any good parent would see that this is a problem.  With my history, I sadly knew what you were experiencing, and knew that I needed to find help.

Most anyone would also guess that the problem is school, and that you are afraid of being at school, but I know better.  You are fine after you arrive, love your teachers and class, and have a happy smile whenever I peek my head inside your class during the day.  It is the act of going to school that is causing you fear.  I know that sounds silly to a lot of people, but I get it, and I think other people with anxiety do too.  This morning I took you to a family therapist, Dr. Williams, who was so wonderful, and very close to home.  He was just the guy that I was praying for, and the one that I think will be able to help both of us.  

When I realized that you really do have anxiety like I do, I can't tell you how sad that made me.  I knew that my kids would be prone since I have struggled with anxiety and it is genetic, but I was hoping that it would pass us by.  I would not wish the fear and anxiety that have plagued me for almost as long as I remember on anyone, especially my sweet kids.  I am so sorry Sam, really I am.  

The one bright spot in all of this hit me this morning, as you and I were listening to Dr. Williams.  It is, that I am grateful that you do not have to go through this alone.  Dr. Williams is aware of my own anxiety, and so I am to be at all of your appointments, learning how to help you with your anxiety, and along the way, to help myself.  I can see this bringing us even closer as we both learn how to deal with anxiety together. We will be able to understand each other, and even reassure each other when needed.  Already, seeing you face your fears every morning has given me courage.  I was so proud of you this morning as you were able to keep your toast and medication down.  It was the first time you hadn't thrown up or cried before school in over a week! You have had such great progress in only a few short days.

I also have a wonderful feeling about Dr. Williams, and the great things that you will be able to overcome and do with the help of his care.  He is convinced that the root of your trouble in school is not ADD, but the anxiety, and I am hoping that that will turn out to be the case.  For now, we will take each day as it comes.  I wanted to do this post mainly because I want us to be able to look back on these days, and see how far you have come.  I believe in you, and are so very proud in how well you have handled this.  We will get through this together.  I love you, son, and I know that you have a lot of friends and family who love you and will undoubtedly pray for you as well.

Love,
Mom

Dear Jack,

I am so very proud of you for finally going on the potty!! It was not easy to convince you that the potty is better, and we are still having some poop accidents, but I think you finally have figured it out and soon you will be accident-free.  Those first times you went pee in the potty and we would both be washing our hands side by side at the sink, you would smile sheepishly up at me and say "that was incredible!"  I love how proud you were of your full sticker chart, new spider man underpants, and not having your bum changed. 

It does make me a little sad, however, and let me explain...  This is such a HUGE milestone, and really, the one that makes you a little boy, and not a baby.  You are already in preschool, in a big boy bed, and sitting with us at the table.  The only other hint at our house of your small size would now be your car seat.  Once that is out of the car, our baby days are officially over.  Not that I would EVER want you to be in diapers forever, or to have another baby, but I will miss my little man when he grows up.  You are my buddy, my exercise and dancing partner, my lunch date and errand mate, and I love it.

Last Thursday it was my turn to pick you up from preschool, and Ms. Amy said that it was the first day you had color, cut and drawn all by yourself.  She was proud, and so was I.  Hopefully, you are not so stubborn at preschool as you can be at home, and you will continue to be a smart little guy.

You like to make messes still, and a few days in a row I found marker all over your face that you had drawn yourself.  You thought it was hilarious until I had to scrub at your face to get it off, which didn't come off easily at all.  You had a red sheen for a few days after that.

You still love to watch Netflix (The Power Rangers, and Animal Mechanicals), and will often stop to go wrestle with Birdie, who will be trying to rest nearby.  You are all about a frozen mac n' cheese or chips and queso (or sauce as you say) for lunch, and playing with Christian in the afternoons.  

You are quite the little talker, and are very expressive, so much so, that I have to turn my head occasionally so you don't see me giggle.  You are very much into super heroes, and like to sleep with your iron man, "bungle bee" (bumblebee), and "oskimus" (optimus prime) beside you.  In short, you are a hoot, a stinker, and the life of the party.  We all love you so much, but especially me, your mom. Congratulations again.  And, I love you.

Love, 
Mom