Just after my last post on you, we had decided that you were doing awesome, and your sessions with Dr. Williams were not needed for now. We talked to Dr. Williams and he agreed. He was so proud of you, saying, "We are going to graduate you?.. Awesome!!" It has been about a month since we have stopped our visits, and you are still going to school really well. I have not seen any more big bouts of anxiety, which makes me really happy. I know Dr. Willliams will always have a special place in both of our hearts and he said that he will be there if ever you need to talk to him again.
You are the only child in the family that got a friend birthday party this year and so your Dad drove you and six of your closest friends to Classic Skating one afternoon. Your Dad came back exhausted, and your head hurt from falling at the rink being that it was your first time, but I think overall you boys had a great time.
Also this last month you had to say goodbye to Mr. Crippen, your school teacher. He got hired at BYU and was needed right away. You formed a special bond with him and I know how much you looked up to him in everything. I was not surprised at your tears when you relayed to me the news, or your sadness. I am glad they threw a party in his honor just before he left, and gave us another chance to be with him. School and life has gone on and you have adjusted well to your new teacher, Mrs. Gregson, although it is just not the same.
I have written before about your tender heart, and how kind you are. You truly do have a big measure of our Savior's influence inside you, because you can't stand to see anybody being left out or being picked on. I find it funny that although this is true, you are also the usual culprit to pick on your siblings.:) You are a tease sometimes like your Dad, I guess.
You have to read so many books off the school reading list and a few weeks ago I found some on your list at the library and brought them home. I hadn't read any of them before, so I wasn't too surprised when one of them named "Crow Boy" made you sad. It was a very old book about a Japanese boy that was more or less shunned and looked down upon by his Japanese classmates. At the end of the story, the kids are sad to learn about his history and finally befriend him. You were reading the book to me, but I heard you were getting choked up and I had to take over. I reassured you that he ended up having friends in the end, but when I tucked you in bed just a few minutes later, the tears were falling freely from your eyes and you readily admitted that the story was the reason.
I love this about you Sam. This is the third time in the last year that you have cried over a movie or a book around the same storyline. I am certain that you are kind in school and I know you are to your friends, because I hear you. I know that you will be an excellent husband and father because of your big heart. I am so proud to be your mom, and to get big hugs and lots of love notes quite often. Even though you like to tease your siblings like I have mentioned earlier, you are always very respectful to me and your father, and I honestly do not know what I did to deserve such a great kid. All I know is that I am grateful. You help me want to be a better person. I love you lots.
Love,
Mom
I wanted to record an update about how well you are doing these days.
Since I have taken you in to see Dr. Williams (your psychologist), your improvement with your anxiety has been remarkable. After only 2 sessions with him, you were able to let me drop you off at school, then you were quickly able to carpool again in the mornings, and almost never threw up. Still now, we are working on you eating a full breakfast. You don't eat much, but I can tell you have a good knowledge now of what anxiety is, and how to work through it. Every now and then you will show anxiety in the morning, and I will have to reassure you, or remind you of what Dr. Williams has told you, but not very often. Dr. Williams has given us wonderful lessons on deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and even some ways to use humor to get through it.
We are still going in to see him every week, and will continue that until Dr. Williams says that you are ready, but I can see a big change thus far. I am so grateful for him, and grateful that I took you in. I can't imagine what you would be like in the mornings if I hadn't. Dr. Williams was also surprised at how fast I got you help, and that you had only shown these signs for a week. He had supposed that it had been going on for longer, like the other children he normally sees. He told me that it is wonderful that I was able to get you in so early, saying that the longer children go without help for anxiety, the worse it usually gets. That made me feel good, and I hope that it rings true.
Also, after having a discussion with your group math teacher, I have decided to continue with the ADD meds in hopes that it will help you at school. She and I both think that I am on the right track with the medication. We switched you over to a liquid kind, and you have no problems taking it every morning. I have also got some great feedback already from your math teacher, so I think it is working. We might have to up the dose or switch kinds before we find the best one, but I think it is definitely worth the effort.
I love you Sam. I am so glad to see you doing so much better.
Love,
Mom
**Dear
Friends and Family - I have debated about whether or not to post this
sensitive post. Because it is a private blog and I know all my friends
and family will be respectful, I have gone ahead. I would heartily
appreciate your prayers for Sam.
My
sweet boy, how I love you. I have always known that you were a
sensitive little guy, and had such a tender heart underneath that
rough-and-tumble exterior. I have seen some hints of anxiety in you the
last couple of years, but I was desperately hoping that you would not
turn out like me. You also have been struggling staying focused in
school since Kindergarten, and I started to think just recently that you
might have some ADD. I have hated to see you struggle, Sam. I knew
that I had to do something to help. So, I went ahead and took you to
the pediatrician, and also set up some testing with your school's
counselor just to see if my hunch would be right. We all were in
agreement that it was ADD, and some medication was given to try and help
you at school.
But
along the way, anxiety has taken over. When I say anxiety, I don't
mean just being nervous. Everybody has that kind of anxiety every now
and then. I am talking about waking up in the morning in tears,
shaking, crying and throwing up your breakfast on the way out the door
for over a week. The one day that you didn't throw up before
school, you walked into the school, headed straight to the bathroom, and
threw up. I know this, because I was outside the bathroom door. The
only way I can get you to go to school is if I drive you myself, and go
inside with you. Any good parent would see that this is a problem.
With my history, I sadly knew what you were experiencing, and knew that I
needed to find help.
Most
anyone would also guess that the problem is school, and that you are
afraid of being at school, but I know better. You are fine after you
arrive, love your teachers and class, and have a happy smile whenever I
peek my head inside your class during the day. It is the act of going to school
that is causing you fear. I know that sounds silly to a lot of people,
but I get it, and I think other people with anxiety do too. This
morning I took you to a family therapist, Dr. Williams, who was so
wonderful, and very close to home. He was just the guy that I was
praying for, and the one that I think will be able to help both of us.
When
I realized that you really do have anxiety like I do, I can't tell you
how sad that made me. I knew that my kids would be prone since I have
struggled with anxiety and it is genetic, but I was hoping that it would
pass us by. I would not wish the fear and anxiety that have plagued me
for almost as long as I remember on anyone, especially my sweet kids. I
am so sorry Sam, really I am.
The
one bright spot in all of this hit me this morning, as you and I were
listening to Dr. Williams. It is, that I am grateful that you do not
have to go through this alone. Dr. Williams is aware of my own anxiety,
and so I am to be at all of your appointments, learning how to help you
with your anxiety, and along the way, to help myself. I can see this
bringing us even closer as we both learn how to deal with anxiety
together. We will be able to understand each other, and even reassure
each other when needed. Already, seeing you face your fears every
morning has given me courage. I was so proud of you this morning as you
were able to keep your toast and medication down. It was the first
time you hadn't thrown up or cried before school in over a week! You
have had such great progress in only a few short days.
I
also have a wonderful feeling about Dr. Williams, and the great things
that you will be able to overcome and do with the help of his care. He
is convinced that the root of your trouble in school is not ADD, but the
anxiety, and I am hoping that that will turn out to be the case. For
now, we will take each day as it comes. I wanted to do this post mainly
because I want us to be able to look back on these days, and see how
far you have come. I believe in you, and are so very proud in how well
you have handled this. We will get through this together. I love you,
son, and I know that you have a lot of friends and family who love you
and will undoubtedly pray for you as well.
Love,
Mom
