Us.

 

I have been waiting to post these family pictures that we had taken months ago, wanting to decide first what ones will be put on the annual Christmas card, but there are simply too many good ones to choose from.  That decision still has to be made.  

This year a bigger decision has been made, however.  I am pleased to finally be able to say that you are looking at our family, and until our children get married, this is us.  I know, some of you may be thinking that you were sure that I had made this announcement already, and this is no news.  Well, it is for me. 

I really thought I was done when I had Jack, now over two years ago.  I was careful to enjoy every moment I could of his pregnancy and newborn stage, knowing that it would be my last, and I was happy with that. Then, a year or so later, one of my best friends had her baby girl and wrote a beautiful post on her blog where she told of her experience, and how she knew without a doubt that she was done having children and the peace that she felt.  As I went to comment on her blog, I intended to say something along the lines of "Isn't it great knowing you're done?  I love it too!".. but the words wouldn't come.  I was left staring at my computer screen realizing that I did not have that same assurance.  I had doubts that we were complete.  I stewed about it for days, knowing that Chad would die if he knew I was thinking of adding another.  

Finally I got up the courage and told him my doubts.  As only Chad could, he smiled and gave his deep hearty laugh, shaking his head in disbelief.  And, as only Chad could do, he listened and did not shoot it down.  He encouraged me to pray and think on it some more and promised to do the same.  Finally, I came to conclusion to try and see if there was another one waiting.  Chad supported my decision and trusted my judgment.  Consequently, I have spent the better part of this year hoping for another and then making myself sick with worry that I indeed could be pregnant.  I do not use the term "sick with worry" lightly.  The curse of my over-anxious mind is the constant what-ifs.  And many, many nights when I believed that I should have started my period, I was shaking in my bed to the point of nausea and vomiting from fear alone that I could be pregnant, praying over and over in my head to not be pregnant.

Of course, I was not indeed pregnant, and curiously during the daytime I would find the courage to say I will keep trying to get pregnant.  I repeated this up and down cycle for probably longer than a normal person would.  I couldn't see what I was doing to myself, and still couldn't shake the guilt that would come if I thought I would stop trying.  With every prayer I felt confused, and felt no answer.  As much as I would have loved to have another, I also wanted more than anything to be done.  I simply couldn't imagine doing the baby thing all over again.

Finally, a few months ago I decided to fast yet again for some help.  I desperately wanted to know what I should do.  All day, I listened for answers, but nothing came.  I do not think it was a coincidence that I felt prompted to pay a visit to my little sister Erin, and her sweet family that night.  As Erin and I chatted in her living room, me holding her sweet baby boy, I opened up to her, and told her my situation.  Not only was she a wonderful listener, but she said exactly what I needed to hear.  Basically, she reminded me that my Heavenly Father wanted me to be happy, and obviously I was not at the moment.  She pointed out that given my mental state of health, I probably should not be pregnant, and should be proud of the ones that I have been given.  But more importantly to me, she suggested that maybe I was not getting an answer because the Lord was leaving the decision up to me.  That is what brought me to tears and gave me peace on my ride home that night.  I felt the truth in those words.  

I realized that I really did not want to have any more, but was still seeking the confirmation that I needed to move on.  As I made the decision to get back on birth control, and moved forward with that, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and immense peace.  

The result is that today I have a little less anxiety, (knowing that pregnancy will not be happening); gratitude for my four beautiful babies whom I love to pieces and that I have been given; gratitude for my friend who shared her story and started my much-needed discovery (thanks Beck); a much deeper love and appreciation for my sweet husband, who is so supportive and puts up with me and my madness all too often; gratitude for the inspired words of my wise and caring sister, and of course, my kind father in heaven.  

I am so grateful that he patiently waited for me to come to this conclusion on my own.  I am confident that he knew me well enough and how big of a decision is it to me, to know that the long, roundabout way was the only way to give me piece of mind. Now I can look forward with excitement to the future, focusing everything that I have to those that are in front of me, and be the best wife and mother that I can be.