Kristen

Just four days ago marked the 18th year anniversary of my friend, Kristen's death.  I have to be honest and tell you that I had no idea it was until I happened to get on Facebook that morning.  In scrolling down and reading some of the highlights before I logged in to work, I found Kristen's parents had posted photos of Kristen, and marking the date.  

Say what you will about the evils of Facebook. That it breaks up marriages, etc., but I am so grateful for it.  

 

Kristen was my best friend in 4th and 5th grade.  After that school year ended, both of our families had moved again, and though we were close, we didn't see each other as often, obviously.  However, I still considered her my best friend.  She was everything I had wanted in a friend.  She loved me, my family, and I hers as well.  Even back then I had some anxieties and she was always very supportive of me and tried to make my mind at ease.  Then, in the summer of 1994, on her way back to Utah, her Aunt accidentally fell asleep at the wheel, and rolled the minivan.  Something malfunctioned in the van door and only Kristen fell out.  The van rolled over her and she was instantly killed.  

Needless to say, even at the age of 13, I was heartbroken by the news.  I can still remember that day vividly like it was yesterday.  The grief and sadness was so overwhelming.  I had a testimony of the gospel and knew that I would see Kristen when I died, but at the age of 13, that seemed like an eternity to me.  Everyday she was the first thought in my mind, and I couldn't seem to shake the sadness that would come thereafter. 

Grief is very funny.  I remember thinking that I needed to snap out of it, and move on.  That Kristen was fine on the other side and she would want me to be happy.  Indeed, my parents would tell me the same things.  However, I remember feeling guilty if I did not think about her.  As if I was letting her down by not crying for her that day.  

But, as it as always does, time moves on.  I made other friends, and the grief and sadness lessened to the point that I did not think of Kristen on a regular basis.  I had special experiences that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kristen was okay, and the veil is very thin.  That helped too.

As one example, my brother "J" took me out to visit the grave site once, not too long after she had died.    We both walked to her headstone and stood silent for a moment.  Then J said he would give me some alone and just to come back to the car when I was ready.  He had barely made it the car and I started "talking" out loud to Kristen when I heard someone yell "Sara!"  I assumed it was J and that he wanted to go, even though he had just told me to take my time.  So, I said my goodbyes and headed for the car.  When I got in the car, J commented that I really didn't stay long, and I answered that, well, he called me back.  I told him I heard someone yell my name and he said with a surprised look on his face that it was not him.  I knew right there that we were not alone at the cemetery that day, and somehow she was able to communicate to me. 

I lost touch with her sweet mom and four little sisters over the years, and just up until a few years ago, thought that I might not ever hear or see them again.  That is where Facebook came in.  One day on a whim after thinking about Kristen, I search for her mom on Facebook.  Not only did I find her, but I found her four sisters, her father, and Kristen's stepmother as well. 

Now I have the pleasure of seeing pictures and messaging with her family online, as well as visiting in person with them last year.  It has been a joy too interact with them, as I can see and hear Kristen through them.

After Kristen died, I thought that there never would be a day I wouldn't remember her, but I was wrong, and I am ashamed to admit that it would not have occurred to me it was the day of her death had her family not posted as such.  It really does pain me to admit that.  I have forgotten so many things about her than I ever would have expected.  Right after she died I did get the inspiration to jot memories down of her, as many as I could.  I know I have them, somewhere.  I just have to find them.  One of these days I will.

Next year I am going to try to do better at remembering her on her special dates, and maybe even visiting the cemetery.  Coincidentally, my little nephew Henry's grave is located just a few feet away from Kristen's, so I can visit them both. 

In the meantime, I will be enjoying these pictures of Kristen that her family has posted, seeing as I only have one picture of Kristen and sadly, none of us together.  Kristen's mom gave me this framed school picture of her after she died, (along with the rose off her casket),and I have had it in hanging in my room where I can see her every day.  

I love that thinking of Kristen now, 18 years later, is a happy memory.  I like to think that she is my personal guardian angel, if there really are such assignments.  I also liked to tell myself that Kristen was up there playing with my kids before they came down, as she would have made an excellent mother.  In fact, I named my daughter after her.  Kristen and I both shared the middle name of Elizabeth, and it was something we thought was pretty cool.  So, to honor the two of us, I named my baby girl, Emmi Elizabeth.  I think it made Kristen happy too.