Dear Sam,

**Dear Friends and Family -  I have debated about whether or not to post this sensitive post.  Because it is a private blog and I know all my friends and family will be respectful, I have gone ahead.  I would heartily appreciate your prayers for Sam.

My sweet boy, how I love you.  I have always known that you were a sensitive little guy, and had such a tender heart underneath that rough-and-tumble exterior.  I have seen some hints of anxiety in you the last couple of years, but I was desperately hoping that you would not turn out like me.  You also have been struggling staying focused in school since Kindergarten, and I started to think just recently that you might have some ADD.  I have hated to see you struggle, Sam.  I knew that I had to do something to help.  So, I went ahead and took you to the pediatrician, and also set up some testing with your school's counselor just to see if my hunch would be right.  We all were in agreement that it was ADD, and some medication was given to try and help you at school.

But along the way, anxiety has taken over.  When I say anxiety, I don't mean just being nervous.  Everybody has that kind of anxiety every now and then.  I am talking about waking up in the morning in tears, shaking, crying and throwing up your breakfast on the way out the door for over a week.  The one day that you didn't throw up before school, you walked into the school, headed straight to the bathroom, and threw up.  I know this, because I was outside the bathroom door.  The only way I can get you to go to school is if I drive you myself, and go inside with you.  Any good parent would see that this is a problem.  With my history, I sadly knew what you were experiencing, and knew that I needed to find help.

Most anyone would also guess that the problem is school, and that you are afraid of being at school, but I know better.  You are fine after you arrive, love your teachers and class, and have a happy smile whenever I peek my head inside your class during the day.  It is the act of going to school that is causing you fear.  I know that sounds silly to a lot of people, but I get it, and I think other people with anxiety do too.  This morning I took you to a family therapist, Dr. Williams, who was so wonderful, and very close to home.  He was just the guy that I was praying for, and the one that I think will be able to help both of us.  

When I realized that you really do have anxiety like I do, I can't tell you how sad that made me.  I knew that my kids would be prone since I have struggled with anxiety and it is genetic, but I was hoping that it would pass us by.  I would not wish the fear and anxiety that have plagued me for almost as long as I remember on anyone, especially my sweet kids.  I am so sorry Sam, really I am.  

The one bright spot in all of this hit me this morning, as you and I were listening to Dr. Williams.  It is, that I am grateful that you do not have to go through this alone.  Dr. Williams is aware of my own anxiety, and so I am to be at all of your appointments, learning how to help you with your anxiety, and along the way, to help myself.  I can see this bringing us even closer as we both learn how to deal with anxiety together. We will be able to understand each other, and even reassure each other when needed.  Already, seeing you face your fears every morning has given me courage.  I was so proud of you this morning as you were able to keep your toast and medication down.  It was the first time you hadn't thrown up or cried before school in over a week! You have had such great progress in only a few short days.

I also have a wonderful feeling about Dr. Williams, and the great things that you will be able to overcome and do with the help of his care.  He is convinced that the root of your trouble in school is not ADD, but the anxiety, and I am hoping that that will turn out to be the case.  For now, we will take each day as it comes.  I wanted to do this post mainly because I want us to be able to look back on these days, and see how far you have come.  I believe in you, and are so very proud in how well you have handled this.  We will get through this together.  I love you, son, and I know that you have a lot of friends and family who love you and will undoubtedly pray for you as well.

Love,
Mom

Dear Jack,

I am so very proud of you for finally going on the potty!! It was not easy to convince you that the potty is better, and we are still having some poop accidents, but I think you finally have figured it out and soon you will be accident-free.  Those first times you went pee in the potty and we would both be washing our hands side by side at the sink, you would smile sheepishly up at me and say "that was incredible!"  I love how proud you were of your full sticker chart, new spider man underpants, and not having your bum changed. 

It does make me a little sad, however, and let me explain...  This is such a HUGE milestone, and really, the one that makes you a little boy, and not a baby.  You are already in preschool, in a big boy bed, and sitting with us at the table.  The only other hint at our house of your small size would now be your car seat.  Once that is out of the car, our baby days are officially over.  Not that I would EVER want you to be in diapers forever, or to have another baby, but I will miss my little man when he grows up.  You are my buddy, my exercise and dancing partner, my lunch date and errand mate, and I love it.

Last Thursday it was my turn to pick you up from preschool, and Ms. Amy said that it was the first day you had color, cut and drawn all by yourself.  She was proud, and so was I.  Hopefully, you are not so stubborn at preschool as you can be at home, and you will continue to be a smart little guy.

You like to make messes still, and a few days in a row I found marker all over your face that you had drawn yourself.  You thought it was hilarious until I had to scrub at your face to get it off, which didn't come off easily at all.  You had a red sheen for a few days after that.

You still love to watch Netflix (The Power Rangers, and Animal Mechanicals), and will often stop to go wrestle with Birdie, who will be trying to rest nearby.  You are all about a frozen mac n' cheese or chips and queso (or sauce as you say) for lunch, and playing with Christian in the afternoons.  

You are quite the little talker, and are very expressive, so much so, that I have to turn my head occasionally so you don't see me giggle.  You are very much into super heroes, and like to sleep with your iron man, "bungle bee" (bumblebee), and "oskimus" (optimus prime) beside you.  In short, you are a hoot, a stinker, and the life of the party.  We all love you so much, but especially me, your mom. Congratulations again.  And, I love you.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Emmi,

We have had a great couple of months together, starting with the holidays.  Me and you even got to take advantage of all the boys going to a BYU basketball game by getting your first pedicure, followed by dinner at McDonald's, and playing Just Dance on the Wii.  

You continue to amaze me at how well you are adjusting to school, and how much you are learning.  You are just too smart.  Just today you asked me out of the blue, "Mom, is air a gas, solid or liquid?"  That is crazy for 1st grade!  I didn't know what those even where when I was that age.

At the start of the year, I enrolled you in a musical theater class, given your love of singing and killer facial expressions.  So far, you are loving it, and I am so glad.  You are learning such fun songs and actions, and I really think this might be your niche.  You just might have a gift of acting like your uncle J, but time will tell.  Can I say how much I can't wait to see you on stage again this spring?  Well, I can't.

You continue to be a great helper when it comes to Jack, especially now that he is in sharing time with you on Sundays, but one of these days you will learn to clean your room, right?  I sure hope so.  I love you, my mouse.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Keaton,

I was a little surprised that another one of my kids would get an award so soon, but I was not surprised that you won this specific award.  You won your class award for the "Reading University Scholar,"  which is so cool!  For the Reading University, you have to read specific books on a list that were selected for being challenging, as well as good, classic literature. You are my child that I always find in the recliner with a book, and have no problems finishing them.  This last month, I have gotten you quite a few big books from the library on the list, and was amazed at how fast you went through them!  I know you earned this award!

Of course, I was given a little head's up that you would be receiving this award, and I was supposed to keep it a surprise, which I did.  I found it funny that after you got the award, I asked you if you were surprised and you said "No, I knew I would get it."  I was expecting you to say the opposite, but I love your confidence.

Your teacher, Ms. Whiting, had this to say on your reward:

"Keaton is a very good reader.  He works really hard to get all of his Reading University books completed.  He already has read all of his books required for 2nd term and half of the ones required for 3rd term!  Keaton always reads silently before class starts to help expand his mind for a full day of learning.  I know that Keaton will be very successful in life because of his desire, determination, and love for reading!"

I am so proud of you, buddy!

Love, 
Mom

Dear Emmi,

I am so proud of the little lady you are starting to become.  As evidence of this change, today you got the "Builder of the Month" at school.  Each month, your school teaches and focus on a different value, and then rewards one student in each class who exemplified that value during the month.  Previous values have been honesty and integrity.  This month's focus was on showing gratitude, and me and your dad could tell that you were very surprised, and a little embarrassed of all the attention of this honor.  I know, however, that it is well-deserved.

On your award, Mrs. Hamilton wrote:

"Emmi always has a smile on her face when she comes to class.  Not only does she help others around her, but she goes out of her way to tell others thank you for helping her.  Other teachers have also noticed her kindness and have expressed how thoughtful she is to other students and teachers.  She is a a great example to others around her."

I have also noticed this behavior at home, and it warms my heart. My mother always taught me to say my please and thank you's, and I can see you doing just that as well.  I love you, sweet girl.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Sam,

This school year so far has been the hardest on you, and for that, I am sorry.  I know how much you miss your old school and all your friends, and I don't blame you at all.  Every day, little by little, you have enjoyed APA that much more, and I have seen a great change in your academically, which is so great.

We discovered that you hate math class, and that you have a tendency to hurry so fast that you end up getting a lot of answers wrong that you really do know.  We also discovered that you can make friends so easy, and have already made quite a few new ones.  We also discovered that APA has healthy lunches, but they are actually pretty yummy to you, and that the uniform is actually pretty comfy too.

We are now in the middle of the 2nd term of school, and you have just brought home the bi-monthly report card showing that you have all A's!  This is a major improvement from the 1st term, and I am so happy for you.  In talking to your teachers, you are kind and nice to everyone, always on task and very respectful to your teachers, which actually means more to me.  You are a kindhearted kid, and always have been.  I am more proud of your character than I am of your smarts.  They both will get you very far in life.

You  have been taking guitar lessons from Jake Rosenbaum down the street for a couple of months now, and you are starting to play mini songs.  I love to see your desire to play, even though you struggle with it at times.  I know you would much rather be playing video games or playing with friends than lessons, but it makes me happy to see you put forth the effort.  I know if you stick with it, it will bless your life.

I love how you insist on sitting by me in church, and how I have to prod you to sing the hymns with me.  I love how you get the giggles over something silly without fail in Sacrament meeting, and all the many cute pictures of animals that you draw.  I love how your shoelaces are ALWAYS untied, how you hate to see me leave the house, even for a short errand, and how you like to talk to me about everything when I tuck you in.  You are truly a mama's boy, and I hope it never changes.  I love you.

Love, 
Mom

Dear Kids,

 

Here are our beautiful family pictures that were taken in October by Chelsea Searle.  I always look forward to these so much, and treasure how they capture your cute personalities.   Looking through them now, I am struck by how gorgeous my little girl is, and how handsome my boys are.  I am so grateful to be your mama.  I love you.

Love, 

Mom