Just after my last post on you, we had decided that you were doing awesome, and your sessions with Dr. Williams were not needed for now. We talked to Dr. Williams and he agreed. He was so proud of you, saying, "We are going to graduate you?.. Awesome!!" It has been about a month since we have stopped our visits, and you are still going to school really well. I have not seen any more big bouts of anxiety, which makes me really happy. I know Dr. Willliams will always have a special place in both of our hearts and he said that he will be there if ever you need to talk to him again.
You are the only child in the family that got a friend birthday party this year and so your Dad drove you and six of your closest friends to Classic Skating one afternoon. Your Dad came back exhausted, and your head hurt from falling at the rink being that it was your first time, but I think overall you boys had a great time.
Also this last month you had to say goodbye to Mr. Crippen, your school teacher. He got hired at BYU and was needed right away. You formed a special bond with him and I know how much you looked up to him in everything. I was not surprised at your tears when you relayed to me the news, or your sadness. I am glad they threw a party in his honor just before he left, and gave us another chance to be with him. School and life has gone on and you have adjusted well to your new teacher, Mrs. Gregson, although it is just not the same.
I have written before about your tender heart, and how kind you are. You truly do have a big measure of our Savior's influence inside you, because you can't stand to see anybody being left out or being picked on. I find it funny that although this is true, you are also the usual culprit to pick on your siblings.:) You are a tease sometimes like your Dad, I guess.
You have to read so many books off the school reading list and a few weeks ago I found some on your list at the library and brought them home. I hadn't read any of them before, so I wasn't too surprised when one of them named "Crow Boy" made you sad. It was a very old book about a Japanese boy that was more or less shunned and looked down upon by his Japanese classmates. At the end of the story, the kids are sad to learn about his history and finally befriend him. You were reading the book to me, but I heard you were getting choked up and I had to take over. I reassured you that he ended up having friends in the end, but when I tucked you in bed just a few minutes later, the tears were falling freely from your eyes and you readily admitted that the story was the reason.
I love this about you Sam. This is the third time in the last year that you have cried over a movie or a book around the same storyline. I am certain that you are kind in school and I know you are to your friends, because I hear you. I know that you will be an excellent husband and father because of your big heart. I am so proud to be your mom, and to get big hugs and lots of love notes quite often. Even though you like to tease your siblings like I have mentioned earlier, you are always very respectful to me and your father, and I honestly do not know what I did to deserve such a great kid. All I know is that I am grateful. You help me want to be a better person. I love you lots.
Love,
Mom
Last night as I went in to turn off your lamp for the night, I paused for a moment at your side, taking in your sweet angelic face as you slept. I thought to myself how beautiful you were (the leftover eye makeup that we hadn't taken off yet didn't hurt), and being your mother, of course I would think that anyway. But you really looked like a little angel, and I had to force myself not to wake you up and tell you how much I love you, and instead I said another quick prayer of gratitude for you and let you sleep.
I was so anxious to watch you on stage yesterday at the Miss Payson Pageant, more so than I probably should have been, and my terrible shaky job recording it is proof. However, I am so grateful you got the opportunity to do so, and that Kate asked you to be her Pageant Pal. I thought you handled yourself so well and was proud at how beautifully you shone on the stage. You and Kate were good sports about not winning, but I think you both had a wonderful time in the process. Who knows, maybe it will not be your last time in a pageant, although I don't know if I am cut out to be a stage mom.
You sure do love to sing, and we frequently hear your brothers asking you to stop when you start belting it out in the car. Your favorite is Let It Go off of Frozen, but will sing to any song that you hear on the radio. Consequently, you are doing really well in your musical theatre class and we are excited for that recital here in a few months.
At school you are still getting A's and a few high B's and all your teachers have nothing but good things to say at parent teacher conferences. I love how you come home from school almost every day telling me that you fell down. I really don't peg you for a klutz at home, yet you have a new scrape at least once a week from recess. It must be all the running you do, getting chased by the boys. I also always hear tales about a particular boy named "Marlan" that likes to tease you. If someone made you fall it seems to be him. Honestly, I am thinking that he sees how cute you are.
Already you are learning multiplication and have beautiful cursive, which is absolutely amazing for a 1st grader. You are looking forward to your birthday so much, and seem to ask me every day how many days (or weeks) it is until then. Me and your father have seen a few emotional outbursts that we would expect from a daughter, but really not very many, and let's hope that continues.
All I know is that I am indeed so grateful for you, for the opportunity I have to have a mother-daughter relationship and to try to raise you to be a good wife and mother some day. You have a lot of good examples of women on both sides of your family, and I hope that you will try to follow in their footsteps.
Love,
Mom
It is amazing to look back to when I was deciding to have a 4th baby. I remember being so torn, really feeling like we were not complete, yet scared for all the pains of yet another pregnancy and birth. Me and your dad were talking the other day about how much we both had hoped you were going to be a girl so we could have an even 2 and 2, and give Emmi a sister, and how initially I was so sad that you were indeed another male. But your dad said, "I wouldn't trade my Jack for anybody," and that is exactly how I feel as well. I would never trade you, even for another daughter.
What a joy you are to have in our family. You are everybody's favorite playmate and make us all laugh at your cute voice and funny things you like to say. You are so tender and sweet, always the cuddler and demanding to be held and even on-the-mouth kisses after I tuck you in. I love how excited you get about almost everything, and how dramatic you are in your face when you talk. You talk really well for a 3-year-old and like to talk my ear off at times.
You are loving this spring weather and even when chilly, like to go outside with Birdie and have a "potsicle." You still love to watch Netflix while you eat your frozen mac n' cheese dinner for lunch. While me and your Dad were in Las Vegas, you started carrying around old sets of keys that don't go to anything, and still have to have them in your pocket when we leave the house. Your Uncle J has given you the name of "Keymaster" since you like to take and hide the keys, and we had a crisis where we couldn't find our mailbox key for a few days. That is your favorite key because it looks like your John Deer Gator. If anything is missing, but especially keys, we automatically come to you and you usually know right where they are.
You are such a smart boy and can already count and sing your ABCs pretty well for your age. I can see your growth in Preschool and I love to see what fun things you make and bring home, especially the cute hats.
I love you Jack-Jack, and I can't wait to see what you will be talking about or doing next.
Love,
Mom
Every year you get more and more handsome, and I am so excited about the good young man that you are becoming. All of a sudden you are now out of cub scouts, and preparing to be a deacon next February, wow! A couple of weeks ago, for your 11th birthday, you asked only for Xbox games, another sign of getting older. You are easy to please, and I love that about you.
A few days after your birthday, we went to The Brick Oven and to the Lego Movie with the Thomson side, which also made you really happy.
You are getting very independent and responsible when it comes to homework, and I have learned I can trust you when you say that you are finished. You love school, and it makes me smile to watch how you are especially loving science and PE at APA, which you didn't care much for before.
You love to read at night in bed, usually one of the last of the kids to fall asleep, but you are one that I never have to tell to get back to bed. You mind me and your Dad very well in general, only occasionally do you protest. I love it when your chore is dishes, because you do them quick, and without complaint or help from me.
I love how you want the same home lunch every day (peanut butter and jelly/Nutella sandwich and cookies) for lunch, and how little it is that you ask for in comparison to your siblings. I love how you have to give me a hug before leaving for school, but even want a hug as you leave sacrament meeting and go to Sunday school. You are the most upset of all the kids whenever I have to go to dance or a church meeting at night, even though I leave you in your father's care. I can see how much you love me, and I hope that I show you how much I love you just as clear, because I really do.
Love,
Mom
I wanted to record an update about how well you are doing these days.
Since I have taken you in to see Dr. Williams (your psychologist), your improvement with your anxiety has been remarkable. After only 2 sessions with him, you were able to let me drop you off at school, then you were quickly able to carpool again in the mornings, and almost never threw up. Still now, we are working on you eating a full breakfast. You don't eat much, but I can tell you have a good knowledge now of what anxiety is, and how to work through it. Every now and then you will show anxiety in the morning, and I will have to reassure you, or remind you of what Dr. Williams has told you, but not very often. Dr. Williams has given us wonderful lessons on deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and even some ways to use humor to get through it.
We are still going in to see him every week, and will continue that until Dr. Williams says that you are ready, but I can see a big change thus far. I am so grateful for him, and grateful that I took you in. I can't imagine what you would be like in the mornings if I hadn't. Dr. Williams was also surprised at how fast I got you help, and that you had only shown these signs for a week. He had supposed that it had been going on for longer, like the other children he normally sees. He told me that it is wonderful that I was able to get you in so early, saying that the longer children go without help for anxiety, the worse it usually gets. That made me feel good, and I hope that it rings true.
Also, after having a discussion with your group math teacher, I have decided to continue with the ADD meds in hopes that it will help you at school. She and I both think that I am on the right track with the medication. We switched you over to a liquid kind, and you have no problems taking it every morning. I have also got some great feedback already from your math teacher, so I think it is working. We might have to up the dose or switch kinds before we find the best one, but I think it is definitely worth the effort.
I love you Sam. I am so glad to see you doing so much better.
Love,
Mom
**Dear
Friends and Family - I have debated about whether or not to post this
sensitive post. Because it is a private blog and I know all my friends
and family will be respectful, I have gone ahead. I would heartily
appreciate your prayers for Sam.
My
sweet boy, how I love you. I have always known that you were a
sensitive little guy, and had such a tender heart underneath that
rough-and-tumble exterior. I have seen some hints of anxiety in you the
last couple of years, but I was desperately hoping that you would not
turn out like me. You also have been struggling staying focused in
school since Kindergarten, and I started to think just recently that you
might have some ADD. I have hated to see you struggle, Sam. I knew
that I had to do something to help. So, I went ahead and took you to
the pediatrician, and also set up some testing with your school's
counselor just to see if my hunch would be right. We all were in
agreement that it was ADD, and some medication was given to try and help
you at school.
But
along the way, anxiety has taken over. When I say anxiety, I don't
mean just being nervous. Everybody has that kind of anxiety every now
and then. I am talking about waking up in the morning in tears,
shaking, crying and throwing up your breakfast on the way out the door
for over a week. The one day that you didn't throw up before
school, you walked into the school, headed straight to the bathroom, and
threw up. I know this, because I was outside the bathroom door. The
only way I can get you to go to school is if I drive you myself, and go
inside with you. Any good parent would see that this is a problem.
With my history, I sadly knew what you were experiencing, and knew that I
needed to find help.
Most
anyone would also guess that the problem is school, and that you are
afraid of being at school, but I know better. You are fine after you
arrive, love your teachers and class, and have a happy smile whenever I
peek my head inside your class during the day. It is the act of going to school
that is causing you fear. I know that sounds silly to a lot of people,
but I get it, and I think other people with anxiety do too. This
morning I took you to a family therapist, Dr. Williams, who was so
wonderful, and very close to home. He was just the guy that I was
praying for, and the one that I think will be able to help both of us.
When
I realized that you really do have anxiety like I do, I can't tell you
how sad that made me. I knew that my kids would be prone since I have
struggled with anxiety and it is genetic, but I was hoping that it would
pass us by. I would not wish the fear and anxiety that have plagued me
for almost as long as I remember on anyone, especially my sweet kids. I
am so sorry Sam, really I am.
The
one bright spot in all of this hit me this morning, as you and I were
listening to Dr. Williams. It is, that I am grateful that you do not
have to go through this alone. Dr. Williams is aware of my own anxiety,
and so I am to be at all of your appointments, learning how to help you
with your anxiety, and along the way, to help myself. I can see this
bringing us even closer as we both learn how to deal with anxiety
together. We will be able to understand each other, and even reassure
each other when needed. Already, seeing you face your fears every
morning has given me courage. I was so proud of you this morning as you
were able to keep your toast and medication down. It was the first
time you hadn't thrown up or cried before school in over a week! You
have had such great progress in only a few short days.
I
also have a wonderful feeling about Dr. Williams, and the great things
that you will be able to overcome and do with the help of his care. He
is convinced that the root of your trouble in school is not ADD, but the
anxiety, and I am hoping that that will turn out to be the case. For
now, we will take each day as it comes. I wanted to do this post mainly
because I want us to be able to look back on these days, and see how
far you have come. I believe in you, and are so very proud in how well
you have handled this. We will get through this together. I love you,
son, and I know that you have a lot of friends and family who love you
and will undoubtedly pray for you as well.
Love,
Mom
I am so very proud of you for finally going on the potty!! It was not easy to convince you that the potty is better, and we are still having some poop accidents, but I think you finally have figured it out and soon you will be accident-free. Those first times you went pee in the potty and we would both be washing our hands side by side at the sink, you would smile sheepishly up at me and say "that was incredible!" I love how proud you were of your full sticker chart, new spider man underpants, and not having your bum changed.
It does make me a little sad, however, and let me explain... This is such a HUGE milestone, and really, the one that makes you a little boy, and not a baby. You are already in preschool, in a big boy bed, and sitting with us at the table. The only other hint at our house of your small size would now be your car seat. Once that is out of the car, our baby days are officially over. Not that I would EVER want you to be in diapers forever, or to have another baby, but I will miss my little man when he grows up. You are my buddy, my exercise and dancing partner, my lunch date and errand mate, and I love it.
Last Thursday it was my turn to pick you up from preschool, and Ms. Amy said that it was the first day you had color, cut and drawn all by yourself. She was proud, and so was I. Hopefully, you are not so stubborn at preschool as you can be at home, and you will continue to be a smart little guy.
You like to make messes still, and a few days in a row I found marker all over your face that you had drawn yourself. You thought it was hilarious until I had to scrub at your face to get it off, which didn't come off easily at all. You had a red sheen for a few days after that.
You still love to watch Netflix (The Power Rangers, and Animal Mechanicals), and will often stop to go wrestle with Birdie, who will be trying to rest nearby. You are all about a frozen mac n' cheese or chips and queso (or sauce as you say) for lunch, and playing with Christian in the afternoons.
You are quite the little talker, and are very expressive, so much so, that I have to turn my head occasionally so you don't see me giggle. You are very much into super heroes, and like to sleep with your iron man, "bungle bee" (bumblebee), and "oskimus" (optimus prime) beside you. In short, you are a hoot, a stinker, and the life of the party. We all love you so much, but especially me, your mom. Congratulations again. And, I love you.
Love,
Mom
